The Beginning of The End

This post comes with a soundtrack. (@Rogue_Priest I know you did this once, but I’ve been meaning to blog about this songs meaning since before I met you.)

Italicized lyrics below by: Greg Dulli

Have you ever come across a song that you can’t get out of your head, a song that you might hit the back button at the end, more than once? Or perhaps you hit that single song repeat? The Twilight Singers have been a band I’ve been in love with for years, ever since Twilight came out (not anything to do with the books or movie, long predating it.)

Saum and I were discussing the other night on how we relate to people by the music we listen to. I can’t figure out a person by their job or their politics even. I get a sense, but not a good one and sometime not even the right one. But music, that’s how people are revealed to me. Do they like happy upbeat, or something with a bit of an edge to it. Does it sound like a party or something sexy? It is smooth and even, or is it temperamental and hard to judge? I love music. It defines me.

So what, you may ask does this mean? What is the beginning of the end, besides a great song I’ve been repeating over and over again all summer? Today I embark on my trip to New Orleans to couche, to kanzo. I will be undergoing the rituals of becoming Asogwe. So this trip is the beginning of the end of the chase for the asson. When the chase is complete, I will begin a new chase, one to understand what it means to actually be Asogwe.

Let the music begin.

 

You better shut your eyes, here’s where your life begins

I can’t think of a more fitting line to mark the beginning of couche, or a more fitting song. I will begin with my eyes shut and will begin the next phase of priesthood. This is how it’s done. Revelations will come through it.

There’s something gone, anesthetized again

I have spent a good portion of my life anesthetized either by alcohol, or by my own diversions to internalize myself inside my own head. Oblivious to the world around me, I could easily ignore everything and everyone. I don’t want to feel the pain. I want to hide, be gone. I can’t do this anymore. This is not the person I want to be.

I see you run, you’re never coming back

How many things have I abandoned without completing? How many things in my life were incomplete? This is a reoccurring problem I’ve spent time and energy trying to overcome. To face things and not run away, these are the demons I have struggled with: to not be defensive, to listen, attempt understanding. The time for running away is over.

You lost control, so easy to distract

The diversions in my life have been monumental. I’m facing my anger, abuse and pain. I’m addressing my redirection. I have had to focus my mind and energies on things that matter.

 

All come alive for the hesitant

It is time to come alive. It is a beginning and an ending. It is time for action; the time where intent matters has passed. Intent needs to be measured by our actions, not our excuses for what we meant to do, say or be.

The summer sun is blind and inveterate

Each day begins anew. There’s always tomorrow. Why not put it off, I’ll get to it later. These are the diversions of my life, the habitual diversions that keep me from succeeding. These are the diversions that paralyze me.

Some seek a light

It’s time to see what’s going on around me. This is the path that leads to the light.

Some creep at night

Timidness is paralyzing, stop being meek. Stand up and fight for yourself and what is right. Fight yourself. Fight for what is right. Fight for who you want to be. Fight.

Some run and hide

Stop hiding from who you are. You are great, just aspire to be so. It’s hard, but not as hard as you think. It’s much easier to run and hide. Stop. Stand and face the light.

 

I do what I want I want to, I calculate

Find your path and walk it. Stop talking about walking, walk. Figure out where you want to go, what you want to do – stake measurable steps. Listen, I’ve been a master of getting what I want. I have to use that same energy to get the positive things, not the distractions that hold me back.

Forgot you were broken, my mistake

We all have pain and problems, seek help. You’re not alone. I have pain and problems. I’m not alone. We all have those that can help us. Fix it.

I look in the mirror, time to pay

I’m the one to act who has to act. It’s time to take responsibility for all I’ve done, all the pain I’ve caused to hurt people and make reparations. No one else can do it for me.

Nobody knows me, I’m awake

When I started this blog, it wasn’t Chasing The Asson. It was to tackle a problem. I was told people didn’t know who I was. So I decided the best way to let them know was to start writing, publicly. I try to be honest. Who I am, and who I’ve become is the priest chasing the asson. This is a part of me, and all the other entries, writings. Some have nothing to do with becoming a priest, but it’s still who I am. I’m awake, I’m no longer sleeping. Read on, and you’ll get to know me.

 

I’m so sad, so keep it coming

When I face myself and see who I’ve been, who I’ve become, it can be very difficult. It’s much easier, for me at least, to clam up and shutdown. I have to face fear, sadness and shame. But it can be done. Keep it coming. I’m changing my life as the architect of my own destiny.

You’re falling down; I’ll get your money

I’ve got your number. I’ve got my number. I’ve got all kinds of numbers. If you don’t wake up, stand up, life will pass you by. It may be happening right now. People will take you for everything you’ve got.

Walk in the room, And I see your ass has gone astray

I’ve been lost. I’ve been agnostic, doubting, unsure. I’ve had FUD: fear, uncertainty and doubt. I’ve been astray and I’ve been balanced. I have to stay balanced to walk and ride. If you’re astray, the path is before you. See it.

We all start out with what we’ve been given. We at some point rebel, question and go astray. We get hurt. I’ve been there. I’ve been lost.

You’ve lost your way, come find your way

You can find your way. There are guides all around you. Just listen, feel, act.

 

All come alive, in the present tense

Stop living in the past, stop deferring to the future. Come and be in the present. The action, not the intent. If you can be in the present, even for a moment, it’s beautiful. Don’t worry if you can’t hold it, practice it. Get better at it. Strengthen the mental and spiritual muscles of being present in the center, the here and the now. Hold it a bit longer. Try again.

The summer sun has died of irrelevance

Summer’s fading baby. Things are always changing. You are always changing. It’s how you handle change that matters. Things will come around again. Things you avoid will definitely be back. Will they haunt you, or will you tame them.

Some see the light

I have to see myself for who I am, only then am I able to change the things I don’t like. See the light. See who you are. Change the parts you don’t like, keep the parts you do. Repeat.

Some sleep at night

Never! Nighttime is that special time when things are revealed, when the spirits come closer. You don’t have to do it always, but revel in the nighttime, don’t be afraid. Turn it into a metaphor. Don’t sleep in the night of your life, be present and awake.

Some take their time

Some do. Don’t worry if you’re not there. I’m not there. I may never be. It’s not important to become everything you want to be, it’s only important to try. If you’re not trying, you are taking your own sweet time.

 

I do what I want to, I calculate

I’m living with a direction and plotting my own course. I have to keep figuring out what the next obstacle and goal are. I plot again and again. I will keep changing. Ask me if I thought I’d be becoming a priest seven years ago, I’d laugh at you. Ask me what I’m going to be doing seven years from now, I have no idea. But what am I doing tomorrow, next week, next year, I’ve plotted it. I’m figuring it out. It’s deliberate steps.

Forgot you were broken, my mistake

We’re all broken. Stop using it as an excuse. Pick up the pieces, change. If I can do it, so can you. Change your life for the better. Do what you’ve always wanted to, as long as it’s healthy. Become.

The unbroken lyrics are below, as well as a player to hear the song.

You better shut your eyes, here’s where your life begins
There’s something gone, anesthetized again
I see you run, you’re never coming back
You lost control, so easy to distract

All come alive for the hesitant
The summer sun is blind and inveterate
Some seek a light
Some creep at night
Some run and hide

I do what I want I want to, I calculate
Forgot you were broken, my mistake
I look in the mirror, time to pay
Nobody knows me, I’m awake

I’m so sad, so keep it coming
You’re falling down, I’ll get your money
Walk in the room, And I see your ass has gone astray
You’ve lost your way, come find your way

All come alive, in the present tense
The summer sun has died of irrelevance
Some see the light
Some sleep at night
Some take their time

I do what I want to, I calculate
Forgot you were broken, my mistake