The best quote I heard last week, “this Vodou stuff isn’t for pussies.” Thanks Mambo, I needed that. My solace, the song that’s gotten me through this period is Dinosaur Jr’s Feel The Pain. (Best video ever.)
On New Year’s Eve I had dinner with friends, and then we went to Heart of the Beast for an amazing New Year’s celebration. Everyone was having a great time, but something in me was off – amiss. I just couldn’t get into the festive mood. A feeling was there, something was going to happen and it wasn’t going to be good. A few days later the trouble began.
I haven’t been writing; there’s a reason. Crisis upon crisis has landed upon our home. At least we’ve been fortunate they happened serially and not simultaneously. I’m not going to go into the details of what has happened or when. It’s just kept me from writing or feeling like writing.
A few weeks ago, we lost a horse to colic. Styx has been a part of our family as long as we’ve lived in the country. She’s the reason we moved out. I have a hard time remembering my life before her. I’ve spent the last two years doing most of my training upon her back. She will be missed until my dying days.
I’ve written a bit about our horses, but it’s hard to explain what they become. There is a strong spiritual connection between horse and rider. Horses are herd animals. They have a sense that ranges far beyond them. It’s the field of energy you feel when someone hovers their hand over you without touching. You’re aware that it’s there. With horses that field extends a great distance. It’s their danger detection warning. If they spook, you feel it like a shock just standing nearby.
When you ride you’re in it, a part of it. When your riding gets good the communication is part of that subtle field. When I say you become close, what I’m really saying is you become intimate. If you don’t, you senses are pretty closed off.
Losing Styx is like losing a part of yourself. It hurts. You don’t get used to the loss. She’s been Saum’s close companion for years.
Writing is in my blood. I type faster than I write. I compose with thoughts to hands to keyboard. I miss it. Readers, you have my apology for not keeping up with the writing. I’ll be back soon. With plenty of surprises and many pent up ideas waiting to hit the page.
This year started with a feeling. I knew it would be difficult; it’s turning out to be. This year is full of change. Change is hard, but it also can be very good. It’s difficult to get through, but I signed up for this. This Vodou stuff isn’t for pussies. I’m not going to act like one, but hang with Ogou. I’m marching through this getting stronger day by day.
 Styx, rest in peace my friend. |
What a beautiful horse friend. I hope that to paraphrase Saumya herself here won't be uncouth, "we feel the pain because we feel so much love". Sometimes that pain is a hurt/desire that also heals us when we are grieving. Do you know it? That is how I have felt when death has come to visit and took away people and animals I love. It makes us tougher, like you say, "not for pussies" and I hope you feel, as I do, that the grieving process builds you up, not breaks you down.
ReplyDeleteMy heart, prayers, and thoughts are/have been truly with you & Saumya over this winter. Nothing more to say, but the sharing of the feeling.
Thanks Valentina, you're not uncouth. I appreciate the kind words.
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